Declutter Your Mind, life coaching, mid-life crisis, Organization and Life Experiences, Wisdom from Life Experiences

Case of the Ex: How to be cool with your ex still being friends with your friends

This is a continuing episode of our last Case of the Ex piece in January, on how maturity and respect plays a huge role on understanding Content Creators and not assuming the worst of what your ex is doing.

Based on findings and first hand witnesses, it is clear as day that this need to be territorial with one’s friends reflects the insecurities of not only You but one’s partner as well.

Your partner.

Well well, Ms Daisy isn’t all about reading children’s books and lullabies I must say.

It’s not only You having this issue about your ex being friends with your friends, it’s also your spouse’s (girlfriend/ boyfriend’s) issue and she’s argued with you about it again and again.

Oops ! The secret’s out.

Both of you are insecure.

She’s been trolling the internet and tried to make alliances with people who are close enough to your ex (who are your friends), hoping that their thoughts on her will change to be negative.

The reason for all these assumptions began from the root of the issue. You and your partner’s own insecurities.

We’d like to believe that we chose the best of partners. Even though we certainly don’t think so ourselves, we’d like others to think so and maybe once in awhile gloat at the knowlegde that you’re so much better off with this person you’ve ended up with compared to the obsessive, insecure, overbearing weirdo in your list of Exes.

Now, if at any point of time, this relates to you in any way or you know of someone going through this dilemma, you’ve got to understand a few rules of engagement.

Don’t freak out


Ok, lesson number 1.

When you see that your ex are still friends with your friends, DON’T… FREAK… OUT.

Give this some time. Take it in. Find out discreetly (emphasis on discreetly) on each other’s intentions and if the intentions are non manipulative and non conniving then, be cool with it. It could just be a random thing or a one off meetup that you shouldn’t be worried about.

It’s not about You


For this to work, you’d need to know that it’s strictly nothing to do with you.

No one is plotting against you.

We promise.

Don’t behave like you’re in Secondary School


Your friends are not your property and vice versa. Don’t loose your bazingas on this one connection.

It’s not some popularity competition on which girlfriend or boyfriend was better for you. Nobody cares about your past.

Truly.

Take a chill pill and just let adults be adults. Children should probably step aside.

You’ve put a “This is my property” sign on your friends and even your friends find it weird.

Dude, it’s not cool okay.

Especially if you’re not in school anymore and are old enough to vote.

So ~ not cool.

So take off that b’arch one inch above the knee school skirt and dodge the shame bullet. Don’t be seen like you’re so territorial towards owning your friends. It’s so secondary school sia.

Still being friends with your ex has nothing to do with their loyalty to you. They know what’s what and they’re always being respectable of the situation. Only You and your partner, can’t see that.

Blinded by jealousy or an insecurity that they form better relationships with your friends than you and your partner ever will. That’s just an assumption that you’ve created in your head and most probably you’re haunted by this assumption.

Do not confront your friends about why they’re still talking to your Ex


Look, it’s just weird and it doesn’t make you look any good. And to have your partner question your friends about it too, it’s like a double whammy hit to your now broken down ego.

Why have you brought this upon yourselves? Your friends will never look at you the same again.

When you confront your friends about this, it only makes you sound ridiculous.

So don’t be so gangster and jump the gun just cause you and your partner aren’t cool with this arrangement.

So what if they’re still in talking terms?

They don’t talk about you, you’re never the topic of interest and nobody cares about keeping tabs on you.

Nobody is scheming behind your back or comparing who’s spouse is better.

People don’t really bother updating you on who they’re friends with, especially your very own buddies.


So there you have it, rules of engagement.

To be equipped with this knowlegde before making any rash moves will definitely put you ahead of the game. Make you seem more mature than you actually are cos you’re aware but cool with it.

If you’ve successfully gone through this with a gentleman’s point of view then well done my friend. Congrats to you!

You’re a grown up.

If you really do have an issue with it then just let your friends know to not update your Ex about anything you do cos your life is private and you’re not comfortable if your Ex is keeping tabs on every play by play that goes on.

I’m sure they will understand. Just don’t dictate who they should be friends with or show any discomfort/ jealousy.

If you’re a spouse that’s going through this cos your partner’s Ex are still friends with his/her friends , breathe in …. and out …. Accept and embrace something that you can’t change or control.

Embracing this will set you free.

May your life be made simpler and stress free.

-Ash

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